a serious post about missing my friend

{my beautiful friend, Ian}

I realized something today.  It was four months ago today that I found out one of my best friends, Ian, had passed away.  The funny thing is, the past few days, I've been really emotional over him.  I wonder if I subconsciously knew about today.

It's a little surreal, this whole business of him not being here anymore.  We've lived in different cities for so long, I'm used to him not being in my day-to-day life.  But sometimes - like recently - I get hit with stark reality.  It's in those moments when I catch myself thinking "It's been a while since I spoke to Ian, I should call/email him", and realize I can't.  There's no comfort in this stark reality.

There is comfort, however, in the knowledge that his parents are loved and well cared for, and that they're moving forward as best they can.  There's comfort in the fact that his family will be welcoming a new child into the fold.  There's comfort in the fact that I've gotten to know and love some of his family, and that Ian would be really happy with that.  And there's comfort in the fact that sometimes, when I look at the pictures of us in my room, and I snuggle in his old blanket, and I think back on all our memories together, I feel close to him.

I've recently gone back to yoga, for the first time since his death, and I dedicate all my practices to him.  I whisper namaste to him, and thank him, and tell him that I love him.  I talk to him all the time, in my head.  And although I know he can't answer back, I'm comforted by the fact that I was so lucky, so blessed, to have had him in my life.  He really did help shape who I am today.  And he really will always be my best male friend.