guest blogger series ~ Johanna, from birds on a wire

Our last guest blogger post in my guest blogger series on homesickness!  I'm thrilled to end the series with one of my oldest childhood friends, Johanna, from Birds on a Wire.  Johanna was one of my dear friends growing up, and it is so lovely to have her in my life.  Her blog follows the ups and downs of living far from her home town (Ottawa), and in Canada's great white north (Whitehorse).  With her adorable, growing family, Johanna's posts are so honest and touching.


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{Johanna and her beautiful family}

Home. Where is home? Is it where your family is? Is it where you grew up? Or is it where you are now, making new memories and living life?

To me, home is not just a dwelling, not just a place to live but a feeling of comfort and safety and self. I’ve been on a major search for the meaning of home for years now. After moving countless times though my teens and twenties (I’ve lived in at least 8 different cities in Canada), I was definitely missing that sense of knowing where I came from and it was something I yearned for so very much.

For me, I haven’t had a place that I go back to that says “home” for years. My family is all scattered around the country and when I do go back to my hometown, I stay with my in-laws out in a subdivision, far from the downtown and city that I like to wander around in. My friends and some of my family still live there, but more and more, every time I go back, I feel less connected to that place that was once home. I think that time and distance have a lot to do with it. 

Growing up, my childhood was somewhat disfunctional and messy at times. At the age of 9 my family started to move apart, my parents separated and my sisters who were young adults at the time were living their own lives. As a preteen and then teenager, I was often left to my own devices. Staying out late into the night, partying way too young and not having any rules regarding home life, there was very little security which is something that I know now children need. I didn’t know it at the time, but those life events that took place when I was a child would send me on a journey for years after where I would look for stability, safety and order. So as much as I will always love and identify with my childhood home town, it also doesn’t necessarily have those happy memories that I yearn for or miss. 

When my husband (then fiancee) was flirting with the idea of joining the RCMP (National police force) the first thing that we had to talk about and agree upon was the fact that we would have to move every so many years and that our moves could possibly take us very far from our family and friends. At first this concept was a hard one for me. How could we leave our support systems and just move to the unknown? I was and still am extremely close with my sisters and the thought of leaving them and my niece and nephew was heart breaking for me. It was a very hard decision to make, but with any life decision that we make, we thought about the pros and cons and decided that we would go for it wholeheartedly. 

The pros were that we would have job security and be financially secure at a time when jobs were very hard to come by. We would have adventure and opportunities that might not be available to us if we had stayed where we were. It was a tough choice but we accepted my husband’s job and went forward as young adults. It was the right decision for us, I would learn along the way but still, I longed for a sense of “home” and stability.

The funny thing is that over the years, the concept of “home” has slowly started to form itself in my life. When I think back to some of my favourite memories from the past few years, I start to realize that it’s been the positive relationships in my life that have helped me to feel more secure and stable with who I am. My family, the one I have made with my husband and son (and soon to be baby girl this November) has given me so much of that security and strength. My little family, my caring and generous husband, my sweet and trusting son...these people are so very important to me and have helped me to know who I am. 

I remember our first newlywed Christmas so well. My husband and I found a little artificial tree on sale at Zellers and set it up in our first apartment. It wasn’t perfect or magazine worthy, but I remember so well us sitting on our couch and just staring at the lights on the tree, cuddling and being together. Other things that stick out to me were when Noah was born and we came home from the hospital. I remember our first days as parents, fumbling around in our new home, taking him for walks around the block and witnessing all of our baby’s firsts. I remember having my mom and sister come to help and visit us when Noah was born, having them in our home was comforting. 

It’s those memories and traditions, and the ones that we continue to make that have formed a sense of what “home” is to me. Holidays, day to day traditions, being together through good times and bad, security and stability, these are all things that let me feel that I have a “home”. 

After years and years of moving around, coming and going, and searching for “home”, I’m glad to say that I have found it and feel like I am no longer missing that piece to the puzzle. I have found “home” in my little growing family, in the place where I am right now, in the support of friends and family (near and far) and in the memories and traditions that I consciously make. It might have something to do with growing up, maybe it has something to do with my outlook on life, but I know that I am happy now and have found what “home” means to me. And I am so thankful for it.